1. On these twins:

That Daniel Radcliffe and Elijah Wood are secretly related and just enjoy fucking with people.

2. On Martha Stewart:

I’ve always secretly suspected that Martha Stewart’s beautiful country house is in fact maintained, decorated and cleaned by her company and that they also own a tiny studio apartment for her littered with ramen packages and old pizza boxes where she leaves her sweat pants on the floor for when she needs a break from her image.

3. On Brad Pitt and Robert Redford's relationship:

Robert Redford is Brad Pitt’s biological father

4. On the Spice Girls being somebody else.

I remain convinced that the Spice Girls were just the Backstreet Boys in drag and that Victoria (AJ) is playing the long con on poor David Beckham.

5. On these two humans:

Shia Labeouf is actually a species, not a person. Somewhere out there, there are packs of ten to fifteen Shias Labeouf out hunting.

Chris Pratt is an insect. He used to be thinly bearded and chubby, and he was chubby because he was about to go through metamorphosis. About halfway between season 5 of parks and Rec and Guardians of the galaxy, he went through his metamorphosis and became the muscly guy.

6. On why George R.R. Martin is taking so damn long:

George R R Martin spends all the time he should be writing, trolling the ASOIAF/GoT forums and Reddits. He loves to wind up the fans whilst laughing like a mad joyous king.

Also the events of the Dark Tower series actually happened to Stephen King and there is a final chapter to the tale, that will only released after his death.

7. On Antonio Banderas' fake accent:

Antonio Banderas uses a fake accent. When he’s at home he speaks with a nearly flawless American accent, but as soon as he leaves the house he’s all, “Hhhhhhhellloou, Eye am Antonio Banderash.”

8. On Taylor Swift deliberately ignoring you:

I have a sneaking suspicion that Taylor Swift sees my tweets and is ignoring me on purpose

9. On Anthony Hopkins:

A buddy of mine in college had this theory about Sir Anthony Hopkins. The guy doesn’t act, he just wanders onto movie sets. But, at this point, he’s so famous that they just change the script around him. So directors are always laying out bait around their studios to try and draw Hopkins into their films.

10. On Kanye:

That Kanye isn’t actually a self-absorbed ass. He’s a brilliant marketer that is fully aware of what he’s doing. Every move is geared towards upholding the image he has crafted.

11. On the Olsen twins:

When there’s nobody else around, the Olsen twins call each other ‘Michelle.’

12. On the Queen's age:

The Queen actually died several years ago, and is possessing her body by sheer willpower until the day Charles does and she can pass the throne to William.

Either that, or the collective dismay of the entire Commonwealth at the thought of King Charles keeps her from dying.

“Her heart stopped , there’s nothing we can-”

NOT. YET.

gasp

beep beep beep

13. On Seth McFarlane's hair:

Seth McFarlane is as bald as a freshly polished bowling ball.

14. On David Bowie's youth:

That David Bowie is the immortal god-alien who created humans in His image

15. On Donald Trump:

Donald Trump is really just 7 squirrels in a suit.