WTF: The Epic Courtship Disaster [Part 1]
Oct 12, 2013 07:01
If you are a single person, you will recognise that your friends will always try to hook you up with other single people they know. And when they do, you trust that it cannot go tremendously wrong. After all, they are supposed to introduce you to decent people, right?
This is an all-too-real story of how two souls come to find each other. It's about the start of something that could be, and a real-life account of human courtship. It's a story some of you might be able to relate to, but as to what happens at the end will be revealed next week.
I am a Malaysian male in his early thirties. I currently live, work, and play in Brisbane, Australia. My friend *Abigail recently introduced me to her single friend, *Delilah. Unfortunately both Abigail and Delilah live in Melbourne. When I say ‘introduced’, I mean she showed me her picture (which I heartily approved of). At the same time, Abigail showed my picture to Delilah and delivered a succinct SWOT analysis of me. Delilah did not say that I looked like a cave troll, so I took that as a positive sign. Solely on the strength of that photo and some additional Facebook stalking, I made a prompt decision to pursue Delilah until informed otherwise.
I decided to go with the initial Facebook stratagem; where she could choose to respond – or reject – at her liberty.
*All correspondence is entirely true; only names and email accounts have been changed*
Via Facebook:
*Rocco Tan 17/8 10:32 PMThis was a good sign for numerous reasons; it is a lengthy-ish reply and she shared details about herself, which would allow me to ask additional open-ended questions, and in barely 90 minutes she had already replied with questions.
Hey Delilah,
How's it going? Or are you at home on a Saturday night, ya loser? Finally managed to watch a French film with Marion Cotillard called Rust & Bone. Something different, quite good actually. And plus I got two weeks of ironing to do, god I hate ironing. Takes forever, plus I'm a bit OCD so I have to iron the t-shirts as well.
Delilah 18/8 12:00 AM
Hey Rocco, are you done with ironing yet? Ironing takes a lot of skills and patience I guess but lucky me, I don't have to wear shirts/suits to work. Always rock up in jeans and a sweater top. Saves me time on ironing. I'm in Sydney at the moment attending a friend's wedding on Monday so thought I stay the weekend here. I used to live in Sydney for two years before Melbourne. Sydney feels like home to me. So not home on Saturday, only in a different city. Lol. Plus I just finished dinner w friends at this place called Encasa, they serve amazing Spanish food.
Admittedly, I made the ‘Or are you at home on a Saturday night, ya loser?’ statement as classic game theory; she would unlikely tell me that she was home on a Saturday night playing chess with her Asperger’s afflicted housemate. Even if she was, she probably would have lied to me. She has to prove to Rocco that she is somewhat interesting at least. I on the other hand, am entirely comfortable staying in to indulge in some artsy movie which may or may not provide additional conversation fodder.
A couple of days later, we had progressed to:
Delilah 20/8 7:18 AMWe had been chatting quite a bit via Facebook chat and I guess Delilah wanted to stir my loin's imagination.
I know right, should still be in bed
But I am still in bed
I stay on Pretend St
So it's superbly close to my work that's in the CBD
Rocco Tan 20/8 7:19 AM
Walkable?
Hahah that's awesome
I'm trying to move to a place 15 mins walk from work
Currently I stay 30 mins away from work by bus
Btw what's your work email?
Fren might send his resume
Lazy scum hasn't replied
Delilah 20/8 7:51 AMEmail is kissesxxx@work.comAfter finding out her work e-mail address, the next step was to build rapport. By chance, she is in XX so it was very easy to slip in a sob story about some idiot friend needing his resume tweaked by an expert. Facebook banter had been encouraging so far and this was the next phase of my plan. I had to be methodical to pique her interest further.
It is walkable lol
But I usually tram it
It would take me 50mins to walk it
Via office e-mails:
From: Tan, Rocco 20/8 10:42 AMThis was purely for my own interest; I needed to know what she likes. It may have been a deal breaker if she only listened to Gregorian chant and/or tribal chants of the Zambezi. But her playlist was semi-decent; I managed to pick up a few good tunes that I could bop my head to.
Off-site meeting? Any good music playlists on youtube to recommend, like a melodic trance playlist etc etc. Or good music in general. Or are you a musical luddite?
From: Delilah 20/8 1:40 PM
Nah just on site meeting. Whoa, just had a crazy past couple of hours. Having lunch at desk now. I am very mainstream – I usually have my headphones on when I work… need a few beats to pump out my work lol. Not sure if its good music but here’s my current youtube playlist.
*http://www.youtube.com/delilahmusiclist
Nice.
From: Delilah 20/8 2:02 PMIt is hard to get a girl’s number without being too obvious and risk scaring her off. In this case, she had provided me with the perfect opening; something that I grabbed like a drowning man clinging to a life buoy. I showed her a picture of the Brisbane skyline with the river meandering through it.
I have beautiful views –see picture. No time for 1 hour lunch today. But so glad the day is almost over! It’s your birthday this weekend! How are you celebrating it?
From: Tan, Rocco 20/8 3:10 PM
Give me your phone number; I’ll show you a good view.
By this stage – six days, 200+ e-mails and 500+ WhatsApp lines later, I took a gamble. I initially told her that I was going to Melbourne but left out the reason why. The key was to make it clear that I was interested in her so not to get friend-zoned. I mean, who knows, she could just be a particularly friendly individual. On the dating minefield, I have learned to never assume anything.
From: Delilah 26/8 10:22 AMShe asked me how much my flight to Melbourne was so I duly replied. Hotties require time, money and effort.
Lol oh! Thought you're coming to Melbourne for work next mth...
From: Tan, Rocco 26/8 10:22 AM
B*lls, I’m coming to look you up and have you feed me chocolate. And catch up with a friend or two if they’re around.
From: Delilah 26/8 10:30 AM
Lol is the asterisk meant to be an A?
Yes plenty of Chocs here in Melbourne. Like koko black. Hopefully the weather will be much warmer when you're here!
From: Delilah 26/8 10:44 AMOn hindsight, the ‘Please do.’ absolutely reeked of desperation. A better response would have been:
Yikes, that’s expensive… I want to go Gold Coast :(
From: Tan, Rocco 26/8 10:45 AM
Please do. Maybe around Oct la when it’s more beachy weather. We normally start going like crazy around November, every other week.
i. Cool.
ii. Yeah, I love theme parks, do you?
iii. Call me when you’re here for added fun in the sun :)
I like the latter two replies because we could have literal fun or horizontal fun. Both suit me just fine. I do try to put some double entendres into my written sentences.
From: Delilah 26/8 11:46 AMWhile I would enjoy spending time with Delilah, I do not think a play with a sad ending would be conducive to my efforts to get her in the sack.
Anyway, when are you here exactly?
Do you like musicals?!?!?!
From: Tan, Rocco 26/8 12:01 PM
20 Sept weekend. Phantom of the Opera would be good. I’ve missed it though.
From: Delilah 26/8 2:30 PM
There’s KING KONG!~!!!
From: Tan, Rocco 26/8 2:30 PM
U wanna watch that? So depressing la. Poor Kong :(
From: Tan, Rocco 26/8 2:36 PMI lied.
Saw Cavalia. Wanted to take a piece of scaffolding and commit seppuku with it. Nothing too great zzzzzzzz.
From: Tan, Rocco 28/8 12:02 PM
Did u change or your mind or r u rocking your black jeans? What’s the OOTD babes?
From: Delilah 28/8 2:00 PM
Picture this:
Tight black sleeves and a cropped oversized knit over it.
Skin tight black skinny pants
Biker boots (3”) over skinny pants.
From: Tan, Rocco 28/8 4:01 PM
Sorry got caught up in a meeting, rushing some work now zzz.
Haha sexy bitch.
There was no meeting. I was actually formulating an 'adequate' reply with a female friend who told me to say ‘sexy bitch’ because it was obvious that Delilah was trying to elicit some kind of response. Delilah was essentially giving me a shitty test. And I failed. I should have feigned casual disregard; like Humphrey Bogart in ‘Casablanca’.
It was a piss poor response for a two hour brain storming session but it was the best I could do given the circumstance. That, and the fact that Rocco coincidentally has a fetish for the fairer sex in boots. And with added keywords like ‘skin tight’ and ‘black’? WIN!
From: Delilah 29/8 9:53 AMRocco is not supposed to say bad things about other people, especially women. Well, not aloud anyway. I was also thinking, ‘What kind of question is that? Is this a test?’
Is she pretty? (on the left)
Delilah attached a picture of herself and some other ghastly female. The angle was pretty bad but she was definitely not a looker. Even Delilah looked abysmal in that photo.
From: Tan, Rocco 29/8 9:53 AM
Errr.
I wanted to pass this particular test with flying colours.
From: Delilah 29/8 9:57 AMSpeak no evil, and compliment the heroine! I do believe I trounced this test. In addition, I have made myself clear, to prevent friend-zoning.
She’s my housemate
From: Tan, Rocco 29/8 10:12 AM
You’re much yummier.
From: Delilah 29/8 10:38 AMHer lack of punctuation and the letter ‘s’ was a tad worrisome as I abhor poor English. Let me rephrase that, I abhor poor English if you claim that it is one of the two main languages you speak (the other being Mandarin).
Thanks, I'd like to be a mango pudding :p
From: Delilah 29/8 2:32 PM
Can we do Gold Coast please. Do u like roller coaster
Delilah does have an accent though. The kind you hear from friends who spend 2+ years overseas and then speak as if they grew up in the guest wing of Buckingham Palace: ‘Jeeves, this tea is simply delightful. Would you pour me another, please?’
I have been in Australia for eight years and the only thing different is that I enunciate better and I do not say ‘la’ as often. Nonetheless, I shall put it down to a simple spelling typo because if Rocco said ‘I want to sit roller coaster!’ to Mama Tan, she would taser my tongue. I also made a mental note to try to change her accent. It currently sounds like she has a mild speech impediment.
From: Tan, Rocco 29/8 3:04 PMHer lack of capitalisation for proper nouns hint at sloppiness. Never mind, eyes on the prize.
I have a yearly pass to Wet & Wild and Movieworld.
Went to Dreamworld a few months back. I love that crap. The scarier the better.
From: Delilah 29/8 3:23 PM
I love it!!! Can you take me to dream world movie world and sea world please? Last time I was there was 12 years ago
Next, we started talking about dating in general and what constitutes a date.
From: Delilah 2/9 11:50 AMBy now I have begun to suspect that her grammar really is sub-par. Come play ‘Spot the Grammatical Error’ with Rocco. Again, I alluded to the fact that I am attracted to her and would dearly like to meet her. Short of saying, ‘I want to ravage you like a Viking raid on a seaside village’, my intentions should have been pretty clear.
This whole dating thing is newish to me.
You need to impart some of your dating skills to me.
From: Tan, Rocco 2/9 11:51 AM
I have none. You’re my guinea pig. If I was nearer, I would have looked you up much earlier.
From: Delilah 2/9 12:00 PM
lol you’re too cute.
Brisbane and Melbourne is not THAT far.
The fact that she was still layan-ing me and not running for the hills was indeed encouraging. Layan used in this context means that Delilah was still ‘giving me two seconds of her time’ and not shutting me out. A Manglish (Malaysian English) example would be:
‘Eh Rocco, she not layan-ing you la, I think she not interested bro.’ = No good
‘Eh Rocco, she really layan you wei, every five minutes reply e-mail.’ = Jolly good
From: Delilah 3/9 11:09 AMShe was either a brazen hussy or the poor girl thought she would enjoy my company. Unfortunately www.webjet.com.au showed no direct flights from Melbourne to Proserpine, so scratch that hare-brained scheme.
Sigh, can’t afford right now.
Want to fly to Maldives!
From: Tan, Rocco 3/9 11:10 AM
I’m sure anyplace for a holiday would be fun if you’re coming with me
From: Delilah 3/9 11:13 AM
Lol such a flirt.
I want a holiday bad.
From: Tan, Rocco 3/9 11:14 AM
Told you liao, Whitsundays.
From: Delilah 5/9 12:55 PMYep, clearly we had arrived at a critical point. I have pursued a couple of girls who only told me late on that they were seeing someone else. I hoped this was not one of those times.
Free on 15 – 17 Nov?
GOLD COAST?!!!
From: Tan, Rocco 5/9 1:54 PM
Who u coming with? U can stay with me. But can stay a night in the Gold Coast and a night in the Hinterlands ie. Highlands.
From: Delilah 5/9 1:55 PM
Just me myself and I.
Or if I’m pregnant in November, it’ll be me and baby. (okay, not funny)
From: Tan, Rocco 5/9 1:56 PM
That was extremely random. R u seeing anyone in Melbourne that I should know about?
From: Delilah 5/9 2:07 PMHer answer was somewhat good I suppose, but I did wonder why she specifically stated the city she is in and where she studied. Could she possibly have a harem of Mumbai gigolos? Or an exotic Nigerian scam-artist boyfriend waiting for a funds transfer? At this point, I felt a twinge of worry but I put this down to over-analysis.
Funny you never asked.
Im not seeing anyone in Melbourne, Australia or Singapore.
Why do you’re asking
From: Delilah 5/9 2:09 PMFuck yeah!!!
I’m not that popular… not seeing anyone.
But there’s people going after me right now.
From: Delilah 5/9 2:39 PM
Are you seeing someone…?
From: Tan, Rocco 5/9 2:42 PM
Nope.
Just come up to sunny QLD.
From: Delilah 5/9 4:50 PM
How are you going to house me then?
From: Tan, Rocco 5/9 4:52 PM
U take the bed. I’ll take the floor. I have an air mattress.
From: Delilah 5/9 4:53 PM
Lol just teasing…
From: Tan, Rocco 5/9 4:55 PM
Well, if you don’t mind squeezing. I am sure we can work something out on the single bed.
From: Delilah 5/9 4:56 PM
I’m tiny.
From: Delilah 6/9 2:34 PMNote that I said ‘I could’, and not ‘I would’. I am almost desperate to meet her, but some decorum is needed. Women can smell desperation. And they throw up in their mouths when they get a whiff of it.
Was looking at Gold Coast flights.
Would you take 2 days leave?
14 November – 17 November
From: Tan, Rocco 6/9 3:21 PM
Yeah I’m sure I could. I have enough leave. No leave till next year CNY anyway.
From: Delilah 10/9 4:30 PMSigh, possibly another typo; ‘d’ is almost adjacent to ‘t’ on the keyboard. Right? That’s what I tell myself anyway.
Did you sent me flowers?
From: Tan, Rocco 10/9 4:30 PM
No its some other Rocco.
From: Delilah 10/9 4:31 PM
Are you serious?
I was hoping it’s you!
I was blushing…
From: Delilah 10/9 4:33 PM
So sweet la.
DIE.
Thank you for flowers, I love them…
My first time in about 5 years that someone sent me flowers
From: Tan, Rocco 10/9 4:35 PMI decided to be a sweetheart and surprise her with some flowers. Not the clichéd red roses because that's just lazy 'thoughtfulness'. I chose beautiful purple lilacs; very pretty, plus I got free delivery thrown in.
Really, unlucky u. :)
Glad you like them. And hopefully you’re close to 100% fit.
From: Delilah 10/9 4:43 PM
You just made my day!
From: Tan, Rocco 12/9 9:57 AMDear readers, I dare any of you to tell me that I wasn't doing all the right things. This was Rocco’s to muck up. I should be able to successfully woo Delilah as long I continued to play my cards right.
Can I take you on a date next Saturday? Do I need to be more explicit?
You’ll probably have to select the place though.
From: Delilah 12/9 10:33 AM
Lol, are you actually serious?
From: Tan, Rocco 12/9 10:34 AM
U seem the fussy sort though. Better let u choose the restaurant. Then if it tastes like pond scum, I’ll blame you.
From: Delilah 12/9 11:09 AM
I’m not that fussy…
I just like my food. When are you planning on the date… dinner or lunch?
From: Tan, Rocco 12/9 11:12 AMI have always wanted to say this to a girl.
R u coming to GC or not? I want you to come. :)
From: Delilah 12/9 1:21 PM
You take me?
From: Rocco, Tan 12/9 1:22 PM
Book your ticket then we talk.
From: Delilah 12/9 1:25 PM
You wont ditch me right.
From: Tan, Rocco 12/9 1:26 PM
I will follow you anywhere.
From: Delilah 12/9 1:31 PMAt this point, I am dying with the anticipation to meet this girl. Several consults with friends have advised me to act thus; under no circumstance am I to try to get into her panties. I am to imagine I have no penis and act accordingly. If I impress her over the weekend, she will definitely come for a holiday in Queensland at which point I will magically rediscover my penis.
Such a flirt.
From: Delilah 12/9 2:18 PM
Maybe I’ll hold off booking till next week…
What if it turns out that I’m not very lovable?!
From: Tan, Rocco 12/9 2:19 PM
Be spontaneous. But anyway, it’s not going to make a price difference. So might as well book following week.
From: Delilah 12/9 3:07 PM
I’m scared that you don’t like me and you’ll desert me once you meet me.
From: Tan, Rocco 12/9 3:25 PM
Highly unlikely.
From: Delilah 12/9 3:27 PM
Lol you are so sweet.
From: Delilah 12/9 3:32 PM
Okay :)
I'm all yours on Saturday, figure of speech.
From: Delilah 12/9 4:12 PM
Lol yay! You're taking me out for dinner :)
To be continued...
Stay tuned for Part 2, next Friday 18 October. What happens next might drive you to watch a happy ending rom-com or hold on to the one you love. Or something like that.. ;)
