Here Are Some of The Best Jokes From Justin Bieber's Roast
Mar 16, 2015 21:34
Justin Bieber decided to offer himself up as sacrifice in his own roast, inviting a list of comedians and some others to take shots at him. That's quite sporting of him, but little did he know, they had so much material to work with.
“You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life,” she said.
“Find yourself the right gal, but she’s going to have to really special, someone on your level, someone powerful and famous and rich.
“Someone you can smoke a joint with or engage in the occasional three-way.
“I’m talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom,” she said.
“I’ve turned a lot of people off in the last few years,” he said. “But I know I can still put out good music and turn everything all around.”
“There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old,” he said.
“I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. There were moments I am proud of. And there are moments I am disappointed with myself for. But the things I have done don’t define who I am. I am kind-hearted person who loves people. And through it all, I have lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry.”
“I am looking forward to being someone you can all be proud of,” he said. “Someone close to me once said, ‘It’s how you rise from a fall that truly defines you as a man.’ I’m excited for that challenge. And I want to say thank you for taking this journey with me.”
Will he survive?
“Tonight we’re going to give what his parents and the legal system should have done years ago,” host Kevin Hart said. “We’re going to give this boy an ass-whoopin.’” “Ebola patients hear about ‘Bieber fever’ and say, ‘I’m gonna go ahead and ride this one out.’”
“Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now,” comedian Jeff Ross joked.
“Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?”
“Justin Bieber wants to be black so bad, he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters,” joked Ludacris
“You have it all,” comedian Chris D’Elia said. “Except love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy.”
“Justin, as a father of six you have to straighten up, son,” Shaq said. “Last year, you were ranked the fifth most-hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn’t rank that low. And he uses your music to torture people.”
“You bought a monkey!” Snoop Dogg said. “I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started the AIDS epidemic.”
Then Ron Burgandy came too! “This kid has spunk, moxie, and a few other STDs,” Burgandy joked.
The most random person attending the roast: Martha Stewart:
“All these rappers on stage and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time,” comedian Natasha Leggero joked.
Here's Martha's advice on how to avoid jail:
“You need to settle down, bring some balance into your life,” she said.
“Find yourself the right gal, but she’s going to have to really special, someone on your level, someone powerful and famous and rich.
“Someone you can smoke a joint with or engage in the occasional three-way.
“I’m talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom,” she said.
It was quite a rough night for Bieber.
He hurled some of his own zingers: “What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million?” he asked. “A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.”
But used the opportunity to apologize for his past behavior.
“I’ve turned a lot of people off in the last few years,” he said. “But I know I can still put out good music and turn everything all around.”
“There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old,” he said.
“I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. There were moments I am proud of. And there are moments I am disappointed with myself for. But the things I have done don’t define who I am. I am kind-hearted person who loves people. And through it all, I have lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry.”
“I am looking forward to being someone you can all be proud of,” he said. “Someone close to me once said, ‘It’s how you rise from a fall that truly defines you as a man.’ I’m excited for that challenge. And I want to say thank you for taking this journey with me.”
