I was recently asked to do an article dealing with a common sense sexual tip of my choice. Knowing that there were enough other experts who would be speaking to women’s issues, I decided to focus my time on an educational message targeted toward men that would also benefit their partners. Simply put, when it comes to sex, you get what you give.

If you rush too quickly to intercourse you may get off but your partner may not. If you rush, your partner may even experience pain or discomfort instead of pleasure, and may be less likely to be receptive to your needs the next time. Also, many men who rush to intercourse end up getting off too quickly and feeling ashamed or inadequate afterwards. “Wham, bam, thank you ma’am” is not going to get you far in the long run.

If you are in it for the performance you may end up so focused on technique that you actually end up a spectator. When too focused on your technique you risk missing out on the more subtle sensations of sex. Worse yet, if you are so worried about how you are doing, you may not get off at all or you may last so long that your partner ends up dry, sore, and wishing the sexual encounter was over. When the whole sexual experience is focused on getting it up, getting it in, and keeping it in until your partner has multiple screaming orgasms, you and your partner may both end up getting shortchanged. You end up putting pressure on your partner to respond – a strategy that most certainly will backfire – and it becomes very difficult for you to take pleasure in what’s happening in the present moment.

When you engage your mind and whole body during sex in addition to your genitals, more areas of your brain are activated. This has been confirmed by the latest fMRI studies of the brain during orgasm. My research with spinal cord injured men and women who experience orgasm despite paralysis and loss of sensation in their genitals demonstrates the power of the mind and a sense of connectedness with your partner to facilitate pleasure and orgasm.

If you take a little more time to tune into your partner and yourself and partake in more whole body pleasuring, you will avoid three of the most common mistakes men make in sex:
1) rushing too quickly to intercourse;
2) performing too mechanically;
3) ejaculating too quickly.

By slowing down, staying in the present moment, allowing yourself to follow the natural flow, and including more complimenting, kissing, stroking, and massage, you allow the sexual energy to build and spread throughout your bodies and your brains. Lovemaking is likely to last much longer but with both partners experiencing a greater sense of connection leading to more intense and satisfying orgasms.