We just don't like guys who go for the seduction jugular: the champagne, the
Barry White, the walk on the beach. A man who has tried one of these, or, God
forbid, all of them at once, is a man who knows well the face of humiliation and
No, the key to turning her on for sex is not to advertise how much you want
her, but, rather, to quietly make clear why she should want you. When it comes
to sex, in other words, you don't need a billboard--you need sneaky subliminal
They used to use tricks like these to sell more Coke at the movies. Now you
can use them to get more women.
1. Ditch the cell.
(Wait. You'd better not be wearing one, because if you are, you're a walking seduction-free zone. This includes beepers.) First of all, women are very serious about our schedules, and if we've set aside time to spend with you, we're not keen on sharing it with your free minutes. Second, when chatting on the phone, you can't help but reveal some of the ins and outs of your work or private life, and that kind of openness is girly, creepy, and not sexy.
But here's the biggest problem: Any guy who can't go 2 hours without checking in with his friends, his job, his family, comes across as desperately insecure. Go ahead and actually turn it off in front of her. She will recognize you as the man who is comfortable and at peace with what's in front of him, and thank her stars you're not the guy who's always wondering what and who is next.
Watch out: Putting your phone on vibrate and repeatedly checking to see who's calling without answering not only is not seductive, but also shows you're kind of an arrogant jerk.
2. Fix something.
Men fixing broken things--light switches, toasters, clogged toilets--is a tradition that dates back to, well, a time when men did things besides nod, point, and hand other men their debit cards. We know that you probably can't gap your points or replace the alternator in your Hyundai. But with a little practice, and some very basic, moron-friendly manuals, you can do plenty of other tasks that would establish you as a Competent Male. If you're going to do this, though, try to do it in her presence. And it's okay, even advisable, to swear if you can't find the right tools, as long as you don't complain.
Danger zone: Don't get dirt on your face unless you're doing something fairly complicated. There's a fine line between looking manly and looking like a doofus with dirt on his face.
3. Read a book.
Allow me to interrupt that thrilling game of Ghost Recon to pose the following question: Do you have any idea of the mass quantity of ass you could get just by reading one book? Women read a lot, and, like pretty much everything else we do, we like to talk about it. Only we can rarely talk about it with guys, because, well, many of you (although not necessarily you personally) are Neanderthals growing slowly illiterate in front of an Xbox. But imagine yourself talking to a pretty woman, and she mentions that she's reading a book, and you've actually read it, too! So if this pretty woman thought you were cute, now she thinks you're smart, too.
Also: Reading in public is a great way to give women an excuse to talk to you.
4. Replace the bottles on the office watercooler.
Modern life, what with its dearth of catapults, marauding wolves, and barn raisings, doesn't provide men with many opportunities to show off their brute strength. It's a very lucky accident that in the midst of all this ease-making progress, we've managed to poison our drinking-water supply.
And since somebody has to replace those unwieldy 5-gallon plastic containers on the office cooler, it might as well be you. It's such a quick, easy way to make the chicks in the office sit up and take notice of your athletic prowess. You know those bottles aren't that heavy, but who cares, because women think they are, Hercules.
Alternative: If you don't have a watercooler in your office, be the first to offer your man power when a stalled or stuck-in-the-snow car needs a push. You want to make your point and then get back to work. There's a reason they call it "the strong, silent type."
5. Write e-mails that are more than five syllables long.
If you're dating a woman, really like her, and yet insist on writing her e-mails that read "ok cu later," you are such an idiot that I don't even know why I'm trying to help you. Men are all about keeping things short and to the point. And when it comes to business correspondence or letting your friends know where you're watching the Dolphins game, that's fine. But short and to the point, in chick world, translates into BORING and UNIMAGINATIVE and--the worst sin of all--UNINTERESTED.
You don't have to get all Cyrano de Bergerac on her ass. But an interesting sentence or two, please, is so easy and so, so point scoring. Examples? She writes, "How was your night?" DO NOT write back, "It was okay." Even if all you did was drink two beers and watch CSI, have something to say. Like, "Do you think real female forensic investigators all wear those low-cut pants?" Just some evidence, please, that you are a living, breathing, thinking human being who doesn't spend all his time away from her staring at a wall. Because that's the image "It was okay" evokes.
Oh, and: "It was okay, how was yours?" is not an improvement over "It was okay." Cop-out is written all over it.
6. Disagree with her.
I have a friend, Nancy, who is extremely beautiful. She is the sort of woman for whom men will do just about anything. She sort of knows this, so she has a tendency to test the limits of their patience and generosity. One day, she was going on and on to her boyfriend about something he had done wrong. He apologized. He apologized twice. And she still went on and on. Finally, he looked right at her, at her perfect arms crossed self-righteously across her perfect breasts as her perfect mouth issued forth criticism after criticism, and said, "Would you please shut the fu-- up?"
She made passionate love to him thereafter and, basically, hasn't stopped since. We're not saying you should shoot down all our complaints by dropping f-bombs, but appeasement isn't always your best move, especially when we've gotten out of hand.
Moral: We're pathetic this way, but you're at your most attractive when you're just totally over us.
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