Recently a reader wrote in to ask what he could do to make a woman “wet” without even touching her. It’s a great question, because the truth is it’s easier than you think – but first you have to stop trying so hard.

That’s right, you need to step back, take a deep breath, and relax.

The truth is you’ve got all kinds of tools in your seduction arsenal that far too many men totally ignore. They ignore them because they want to rush into action, and because they won’t stop and let the larger of their two heads be in charge. But if your aim is to make her quiver with desire you’ve first got to think before starting to do. Why? You’ve got to connect with this woman mentally to spark the physical response from her you’re looking for.

With Valentine’s Day in mind a variety of cable channel’s have been playing old romantic favorites, so I’ve had the opportunity to study a few scenes from a personal favorite - Hope Floats. Okay, yes, it’s a total chick flick. But let me tell you something about chick flicks – they can tell you a lot about what makes women tick, and you can always know more about that – can’t you?

Starring Sandra Bullock and Harry Connick Jr. Hope Floats it tells the story of one time small town beauty queen Birdee (Bullock) who comes home to Texas in shame when her husband leaves her for her best friend. Connick plays Justin; an old school friend of Birdie’s who’s long carried a torch for her. While the movie has many themes, one of the strongest is Justin’s artful seduction of the reluctant Birdee.

Here’s the deal – Connick’s Justin doesn’t take no for an answer, but neither does he rush in like a fool and overwhelm the sad, vulnerable but still very beautiful and proud Birdie. He let’s her know he wants her – but very important – he doesn’t beg. He moves in steady and slow, showing Birdee just who he is now as a man rather than talking about it. He doesn’t freak when Birdee rebuffs his first physical advances, he let’s her go, but a short time later in the movie he takes Birdee out on the dance floor for a Texas Two-Step (and then a slow dance) that has the whole town talking. A fool would rush for the slow dance first, pressing physical contact with a woman far too fast. Not Connick’s Justin. He knows his way around the dance floor and knows it’s a great way to build on the spark of physical chemistry with a woman. He makes Birdee loosen up, relax, laugh, and once she feels safe he knows she’ll be ready to fall into his arms in more ways than one.

If you let your smaller head be in charge for seduction you’ll end up being overwhelmed by desire. That can make you sloppy and rough with a woman when what you most desire is to be suave and assured. A woman needs to know you’re not only going to be interested in her physical pleasure (as well as your own), but that you’ll be a safe place for her to open up and explore her sexual side. You do this by actually listening to her in conversation, by drawing her out and showing you understand where she’s coming from. The more beautiful, sexy (and also intelligent) a woman is the more you need to do this. She’s had desire thrown at her her entire adult life. Be someone new. Be interested in her the person, while at the same time being interesting yourself.

Conversely, and more of a challenge (so you don’t end up in the dreaded “friend” spot) you’ve got to let her know that if she just happened to rip off all her clothes right now and jumped on you you’d catch her with open and happy arms…but you like her enough to want wait to get to know her a bit before you make a physical play yourself. I know this sounds like a perplexing challenge, but it really isn’t that tough – remember less is more.

I remember being on my second date with a man I found really intriguing, but I was a bit confused. On one hand I was pretty sure he was really interested because he’d taken me on two really lovely dates, but he was very stoic (which I have a thing for), very self-contained and quite the gentleman, so I wasn’t totally sure. But after dinner when we went to a popular tequila bar for a drink and he put his hand on the small of my back when we were being led to our seats at the bar I knew.

Too much touching too soon – as I talked about last week – can make a woman feel you can’t control yourself (and conversely that in bed it’s going to be all about you) but just a light touch here and there makes sure she knows you’re interested. You can also show her by your actions. On my first date with a younger man I was rather dazzled by physically (but was having a hard time accepting that he was actually interested in me the same way) I remember him almost growling in my ear that he wanted to tell off an older man who looked at me in a way he didn’t like as we entered the restaurant. I was surprised because he’d been so cool, so self-contained (again, I like a challenge) up until that point…but when we sat down and halfway through the dinner he made sure his knee was against mine I was almost giddy from the chemistry.

You’re always better off to keep a woman guessing for a while than to dump your desire right at her feet. Women need time to mull over the physical chemistry they feel for a man, they need time to let it build and work into their imagination. Most women, especially the very desirable ones, need to feel you can take care of yourself emotionally and won’t try to guilt them, or drowned them with your longing and desire.

Next week we`ll talk about how to turn it up a notch when you`re alone in private..