Get Real! My Girlfriend Lost Her Virginity To Someone Else
Jul 22, 2008 08:25
I'm afraid my girlfriend may still be loving her ex-boyfriend
who broke her virginity. She has always proved that she loves me but I'm not
convinced, even though she says she doesn't have feelings for him anymore. Is it
true that ladies always have permanent feelings for men they first had sex with?
No, it isn't. It's not always true for men either, nor is there
a sound reason why it would be more true for women than it would be for men. As
well, if women have a female first sex partner, or men a male first sex partner,
there also is no golden rule or given about if any of us will have long-lasting
feelings of any kind for that person or not.
Let me clarify that: any of us, whether we have sex with someone
we dated or not, whether if we did that was our first partner or not, may still
have feelings for an ex in some way. We may even develop a new kind of
relationship with that person and become platonic friends, instead.
For instance, I'm friends with most of my exes where
relationships were serious or longer-term (and also with some people I saw very
briefly, but where we determined early that while dating wasn't a good fit for
us, friendship was), and while those feelings aren't romantic anymore for us, we
value the new kind of relationship we have. We want to know, now and then -- and
sometimes regularly, like you would with other friends -- how both of us are
doing, what's new in our lives, and that we're both doing well because we care
about one another.
On the other hand, I have no idea what became of my first
sexual partner for intercourse, and I have to say that I don't even think about
him all that often: maybe once every few years at a maximum. That's not because
I didn't care about that person, but rather because our relationship wasn't that
long-lasting and we didn't really create the kind of bond in other areas of our
relationship that tend to result in a sustained love, romantic or otherwise.
Having intercourse for the first time together alone -- or at
any time, with anyone -- can't magically create a bond all by itself. The bonds
we make with people really aren't about our bodies, but about our hearts and
minds. Sex is one way to express our feelings physically while sharing pleasure,
and can be one way to express or deepen our emotional intimacy, but it's still
not the sex itself that creates an emotional bond. Sure, we might look back at
certain sexual relationships or sex with other partners and remember that sex
fondly (or not-so-fondly). We might even file times with someone else in our
mental best-sex-so-far files. But that doesn't make sex after that with others
somehow less important or rewarding, nor does it mean that we can't have sexual
relationships afterwards which are of equal or greater importance.
Some of what you're thinking comes from the idea that first
intercourse or any intercourse is The Big Deal for women (and not for men). By
all means, sometimes it is...but just as often, it isn't, for men and women
alike. And don't forget that for a majority of women, vaginal intercourse, the
first time or the 301st time, often isn't very satisfying all by itself,
physically or emotionally. We can pretty safely say, looking at history, that
most of the people who propagated the idea that vaginal intercourse or
first-time intercourse IS a huge deal for women and women alone have not even
been women, but men, and not men making any effort to accurately represent
women, either. In many cases, spreading that idea around was motivated by some
pretty cruddy stuff, like a desire to claim ownership of women or our bodies, or
a want for women to feel like a sexual activity which men more often enjoy than
we do HAD to be something equally important to us so that we'd be more willing
to do it with them or only within the structures and conditions men wanted (and
sometimes still want) us to have intercourse in.
If you want to know how women feel about something, ask women.
And if you want to know how one woman feels, ask her.
You already have a woman telling you, with her own words, how
she feels. What she has to say about it should take precedence over what you
suspect or what anyone else -- including me -- would tell you. She's the expert
here, and she's telling you she doesn't have feelings for this guy anymore and
that she loves you.
To really love her back, you've got to accept that love,
trust her and you've also got to have what she expresses to you about her
feelings be meaningful without second-guessing her based on what I suspect, are
probably your own insecurities and your own lack of trust. In other words, it
sounds like her previous partner isn't someone she still has strong feelings for
or about: you're the one with all the investment in this guy.
It might also be helpful if you try not to think of her
virginity as being "broken." Having any kind of sex doesn't break us in any way.
If we choose to share sex with someone, we're choosing to share sex with
someone, not passively giving them some gift, some part of ourselves we can
never reclaim, or allowing them some kind of way of marking us or having
ownership of us or our sexuality by "breaking" our bodies. You might even
consider if thinking about things this way is really all that loving or
respectful when it comes to women, and consider adjusting your thinking so that
you and your girlfriend can experience love and sex together in a way that's
most healthy and more loving than you have so far.
How important the relationship the two of you have is is about
the two of you and the quality of that relationship. It's not about anyone's
past relationships, nor is it about the sex either of you may have had in the
past. It's about what you and she make and have together, right now. If you've
got something good here, I'd encourage you to do yourself a favor and focus on
the present, rather than dwelling on the past.
If you invest your time and
energy in who she was with before sexually, instead of cherishing the fact that
this girl loves you right now and really loving her back, it might not be the ex
that causes you both to miss out on some real, big love, but your own choice not
to trust it and let this relationship -- not her previous one -- be the one
that's important for you both now.
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