1. Any weather small talk that lasts longer than 4 seconds (unless it involves a car floating away). If you have nothing to talk about other than the weather, face it, you have nothing to talk about.

2. Three dates. No tongue.

3. Two years. No raise.

4.  The person running the meeting asks, "Could someone get the lights?"

5. Your beloved quotes from Spinal Tap--"So what's wrong with being sexy?" or "It's like we have armadillos in our trousers" or "But these go to 11"--get no reaction.

6. The other person quotes Billy Madison.

7. You hit triple digits on the cable box, decide to cycle through once more, and realize that What Women Want is still the best option.

8. You spend more than an hour and a half a day in the gym. What's the point of building all those muscles if you don't get out once in a while and use them?

9. You've been intro-duced to someone three times, and he still doesn't remem-ber your name. Don't be angry. Just smile and let him know you've met  several times, and you remember him well. You now own his ass.

10. She says it's enough to have seen the Eiffel Tower in Vegas.

11. You try to forget how much your ex-girlfriend made you laugh, or how much your ex-boss made you cry--as if selectively erasing major parts of your life were possible without being kidnapped by a government agency.

12. The speaker says, "Please hold your applause until I finish reading all the names." Break out your BlackBerry, get something done.

13.You watch any movie featuring a mischievous kid who advises adults.

14. She asks during your first conversation, "So, what do you like to do for fun?" which is the single  dumbest question that can ever be asked of a person. Our advice: Just smile and answer, "It's not what, but who."

15. You look at your watch during any activity. Either find something you really want to do or stop wearing a watch.

16. You listen to John Mayer for any other reason than to get a woman to take off her shirt.

17. You give your honest feedback to someone who says, "I want your honest feedback."

18.You read any e-mail with the subject line "This is not a hoax."

19. You allow someone more than 3 minutes to try to change your opinion. If he can't do it in that window, say, "Look, Ed, you're not going to change my view here. So let's stop pissing away valuable minutes and talk about something else." (Except the weather, of course.)