1. Any weather small talk that lasts longer
than 4 seconds (unless it involves a car floating away). If you have nothing to
talk about other than the weather, face it, you have nothing to talk
2. Three dates. No tongue.
3. Two years. No raise.
4. The person running the meeting asks, "Could
someone get the lights?"
5. Your beloved quotes from Spinal Tap--"So
what's wrong with being sexy?" or "It's like we have armadillos in our trousers"
or "But these go to 11"--get no reaction.
6. The other person quotes Billy
7. You hit triple digits on the cable box,
decide to cycle through once more, and realize that What Women Want is still the
8. You spend more than an hour and a half a day
in the gym. What's the point of building all those muscles if you don't get out
once in a while and use them?
9. You've been intro-duced to someone three
times, and he still doesn't remem-ber your name. Don't be angry. Just smile and
let him know you've met several times, and you remember him well. You now own
10. She says it's enough to have seen the
Eiffel Tower in Vegas.
11. You try to forget how much your
ex-girlfriend made you laugh, or how much your ex-boss made you cry--as if
selectively erasing major parts of your life were possible without being
kidnapped by a government agency.
12. The speaker says, "Please hold your
applause until I finish reading all the names." Break out your BlackBerry, get
13.You watch any movie featuring a mischievous
kid who advises adults.
14. She asks during your first conversation,
"So, what do you like to do for fun?" which is the single dumbest question that
can ever be asked of a person. Our advice: Just smile and answer, "It's not
what, but who."
15. You look at your watch during any activity.
Either find something you really want to do or stop wearing a watch.
16. You listen to John Mayer for any other
reason than to get a woman to take off her shirt.
17. You give your honest feedback to someone
who says, "I want your honest feedback."
18.You read any e-mail with the subject line
"This is not a hoax."
19. You allow someone more than 3 minutes to
try to change your opinion. If he can't do it in that window, say, "Look, Ed,
you're not going to change my view here. So let's stop pissing away valuable
minutes and talk about something else." (Except the weather, of
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