importance of a positive, winning personality for men to succeed in the
world of dating can’t be emphasized enough. Just this weekend one of my
best friends and I were comparing notes on the times that our heads had
been turned by a handsome face only to find out the man was a complete
bore. One of the longest dates I’ve ever been on was about four years
ago and only consisted of a couple of hours over dinner. The man was
very attractive and very athletic…but he’d done so many physical
activities the day of our date (both surfing and running on the beach)
that he was in a hypoglycemic meltdown by the time we reached the
Being hypoglycemic myself I was totally
willing to overlook his lack-of-food-related-grumpiness at the
beginning – but things didn’t get much better once he ate. His main
interest, apparently, was keeping in shape, and his main topic of
conversation was talking about keeping in shape. While I’m all for a
hard body, it’s just not my favorite topic of conversation over dinner
if it’s the only conversation over dinner.
You men are lucky. Yes, we women are
becoming more like men, we’re starting to take looks more into
consideration – however – most of us can still be won over by a
charming, winning personality. If a man has a great winning
personality, and he’s a great conversationalist, he’s got a great
chance of winning dates.
Okay, you say, I hear you, but what I
need to know is just what the heck a great winning personality and a
great conversationalist are anyway!
Not to worry my dear men, I’m not going to leave you hanging.
A great winning personality is:
· Someone who makes others feel good
about themselves by their kindness and cheerfulness. They can literally
light up a room by walking into it.
· Someone who’s thoughtful of others,
listens well, remembers small details, and is good at showing others
they really care.
A great winning personality doesn’t:
· Have to win over everyone in the room
all the time. It’s okay to pay attention to whom you came with,
otherwise you risk coming across as a used car salesman.
Those of us who are naturally shy tend to
believe that people with winning personalities are born, not made. Yes,
some of them are born – but the big secret is that the majority of them
are made. And since the majority of them are made, you too can learn
their secrets and skills. You can learn to be cheerful and upbeat more
and more frequently until it becomes your natural state. You can learn
to listen well and have care and concern for others. This doesn’t mean
you learn to put others needs ahead of your own, no, you need to take
care of yourself. But when you reach out with genuine interest and
empathy for other human beings you’ll be amazed at how good you feel
about it, and how the benefits outweigh the time and effort it takes.
Being a great conversationalist as well is a skill that anyone can learn and master.
A great conversationalist does the following:
· Puts others at ease (especially women) with his easy conversational style.
· Asks interested questions to draw out those he’s speaking to.
· Doesn’t make the conversation a “me show” stealing all the attention.
· Doesn’t have to be a comedian but can relate a funny story well.
· Is up on current events, especially light entertaining gossip.
A great conversationalist does not:
· Keep the conversation focused on himself.
· Share too much about painful personal challenges right away.
· Keep the focus of the conversation on something very particular that only he knows about (i.e. his work situation).
· Share mean spirited gossip that rips others to shreds.
Being a great conversationalist is about
balance. He makes sure to keep the interest of those he’s speaking with
by always being aware of the kind of feedback he’s getting. When he
senses someone’s bored he does his best to draw them into the
conversation by asking them about him or her self.
A great conversationalist is entertaining
– but doesn’t go into a comedy routine. He’s open, sharing just enough
personal information about himself to be real, but not so much that it
makes others uncomfortable. See the difference?
Of course what I’m talking about here are
initial conversations. Once you get to know someone you can certainly
share more information – however – it’s best to move a bit slowly on
the really painful stuff. We all have skeletons in our closet. We all
have serious challenges we’ve had to face or are facing now, but
unfortunately most of us give ourselves the benefit of the doubt in
these trying situations and yet still often judge others as being lazy,
or ill equipped to handle stress when we hear about the problems of
others – before we’ve grown emotionally attached to them.
It’s Free So Make Use of It!
The most wonderful thing about a winning
personality is that developing one can be absolutely free. Oh sure,
there are wonderful books out there you can buy and learn great
techniques from (I highly recommend Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends
and Influence People”) but the real work is simply you getting out
there and trying new things and finding out what works. In the
beginning you can start with smiling at strange women you pass on the
street. You’ll be amazed at how many smile back.
Yes, it can be totally scary putting
yourself forward to strangers, especially strange women, but the most
empowering thought about this is that they’re scared too! Years ago I
got a job as a singing telegram Playboy Bunny delivering bouquets of
helium balloons for birthdays and other celebrations. I was only 18
years old at the time and felt pretty silly and conspicuous in my ears
and fishnets walking into popular restaurants. The thing that got me
through it? Realizing that the men I was delivering the balloons to
were more afraid of me than I was of them. They didn’t see me the
scared 18 year old, they saw the intimidating image of a Playboy Bunny.
If you recognize that almost everyone is
socially self-conscious, and that most people are so afraid of being
rejected or boring people that they won’t reach out and start a
conversation with a stranger, or make a grand effort with new people,
you’ll realize that you will have tremendous power if you do.
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