3 Questions to Ask if You Have Sex Drive Problems in Your Relationship
Nov 13, 2008 10:27
If a disparity in libidos is causing strife in your relationship, you
may need to take a closer look at each partner's role. This process is
best done with professional help, preferably through counseling with a
certified sex therapist. But there's some work the couple can do first.
Joy Davidson, PhD, a New York City–based psychologist who's on the
board of directors of the American Association of Sexuality Educators,
Counselors and Therapists, recommends discussing the following
1. What turns on the partner who has a low libido? Are
there certain times when this partner is more motivated to be sexual?
What's different about those times? Analyze that and try to replicate
2. Are you playful? "Look at what you're actually doing,"
Davidson says. "Is your sex life dull and routine? Do you have
fantasies that you can share with your partner? Do you read books about
sexual alternatives or surf the Web looking at sex toy sites?" A person
with a low libido may be uncomfortable with such ideas. "If you freak
out at these questions, it is understandable that you seem to have low
libido," says Davidson. Perhaps you have been raised to view sex as
something dirty or shameful and need to work through those feelings
with a professional. "If you have a sex-negative attitude," she says,
"your libido will be repressed too."
3. What's going on outside the bedroom? You
or your therapist may look at what Michael Krychman, MD, executive
director of the Southern California Center for Sexual Health and
Survivorship Medicine in Newport Beach, Calif., calls "environmental
sexuality"—basically, what's going on outside the bedroom. For
instance, he says, "I've had couples in the same house, texting each
other from different rooms," wondering why their sex life has taken a
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