Paula Adbul admitted that she had been a drug addict before, and has been hiding this painful secret for 12 years.

She tells Ladies Home Journal, "I could have killed myself." She revealed her dependency on powerful pain killers that she finally kicked last November. "I was freezing cold, then sweating hot, then chattering and in so much pain," she said in the cover story. "It was excruciating. But at my very core, I did not like existing the way I had been."

The American Idol Judge said she turned to a combination of painkillers and Chinese medicine to get through the "gruelling" dance routines that she had to go through as a pop star in the 90's. She had already suffered serious back and neck injuries from her cheerleading and dancing days, and in two car accidents.

"I want to start fresh," Abdul told LHJ, adding that her physical pain is almost gone thanks to her 15th surgery.

'Americal Idol' judge Paula Abdul: I was a drug addict [NY Daily News]