How to Use Science to Make People LIKE You [VIDEO]
Oct 08, 2013 13:27
Some people are naturally liked by many for some reason. In actual fact, it's not that hard to make people like you. All you need to do is to apply a couple of science techniques to your conversations. Check it out:
1) Encourage people to talk about themselves
People love to talk about themselves. It gives their brain as much pleasure as food or money.
"Talking about ourselves — whether in a personal conversation or through social media sites like Facebook and Twitter — triggers the same sensation of pleasure in the brain as food or money, researchers reported Monday…
'Self-disclosure is extra rewarding,' said Harvard neuroscientist Diana Tamir, who conducted the experiments with Harvard colleague Jason Mitchell. Their findings were published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. 'People were even willing to forgo money in order to talk about themselves,' Ms. Tamir said."
2) To give feedback, ask questions
Instead of giving feedback flat out, ask questions to deliver your feedback. This allows people to come up with solutions, and they will be less likely to feel threatened.
It’s not you searching for problems; it’s him searching for gaps in his thinking process. You want people to look for assumptions or decisions that don’t make sense upon further reflection…The more you can help people find their own insights, the easier it will be to help others be effective, even when someone has lost the plot on an important project. Bringing other people to insight means letting go of “constructive performance feedback,” and replacing it with “facilitating positive change.”
3) Ask for advice
Everyone will have that one friend who loves giving advice. Sometimes, unsolicited. But just asking for it sparks conversation and a connection. Stanford professor Jeffrey Pfeffer, persuasion expert Robert Cialdini and many others have all recommended asking for advice as a powerful way to influence others and warm them up to you.
New research shows that advice seeking is a surprisingly effective strategy for exercising influence when we lack authority. In one experiment, researcher Katie Liljenquist had people negotiate the possible sale of commercial property. When the sellers focused on their goal of getting the highest possible price, only 8 percent reached a successful agreement. When the sellers asked the buyers for advice on how to meet their goals, 42 percent reached a successful agreement. Asking for advice encouraged greater cooperation and information sharing, turning a potentially contentious negotiation into a win-win deal. Studies demonstrate that across the manufacturing, financial services, insurance, and pharmaceuticals industries, seeking advice is among the most effective ways to influence peers, superiors, and subordinates.
4) The two-question technique
Another way to connect with another human being is to ask them about something positive in their life. If they reply, ask them how they're feeling about life in general. You may think it doesn't sound effective, but this is actually a method based on research by Nobel Prize winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman.
First, a positive answer on the question will lead them feeling more positive about themselves, making them feel good about themselves when you ask the second question.
The same pattern is found if a question about the students’ relations with their parents or about their finances immediately precedes the question about general happiness. In both cases, satisfaction in the particular domain dominates happiness reports. Any emotionally significant question that alters a person’s mood will have the same effect.
The students who had many dates were reminded of a happy aspect of their life, while those who had none were reminded of loneliness and rejection. The emotion aroused by the dating question was still on everyone’s mind when the query about general happiness came up…
“Happiness these days” is not a natural or an easy assessment. A good answer requires a fair amount of thinking. However, the students who had just been asked about their dating did not need to think hard because they already had in their mind an answer to a related question: how happy they were with their love life. They substituted the question to which they had a readymade answer for the question they were asked.
5) Repeat the last three words
Have you ever played parrot when you were younger? Did it somehow annoy the shit out of you when someone played it on you?
This technique isn't on an annoying level. Instead, by using the power of active listening, just use repetition. Social skills expert and author Leil Lowndes recommends simple repetition.
…simply repeat — or parrot — the last two or three words your companion said, in a sympathetic, questioning tone. That throws the conversational ball right back in your partner’s court.
It shows you’re listening, interested, and lets them get back to telling their story.
Research shows repetition is effective in negotiations as well. From the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology:
We hypothesized that in online, virtual formats, negotiators receive better outcomes when mimicking their counterpart’s language; furthermore, we predicted that this strategy would be more effective when occurring early in the negotiation rather than at the end, and should also be effective across both independent and interdependent cultures. Results from two experiments supported these hypotheses. Experiment 1 was conducted in Thailand and demonstrated that negotiators who actively mimicked their counterpart’s language in the first 10 min of the negotiation obtained higher individual gain compared to those mimicking during the last 10 min, as well as compared to control participants. Experiment 2 replicated this effect in the United States (with Dutch and American negotiators) and also showed that trust mediated the effect of virtual linguistic mimicry on individual negotiation outcomes. Implications for virtual communication, strategic mimicry, and negotiations are discussed.
When you gossip about another person, listeners unconsciously associate you with the characteristics you are describing, ultimately leading to those characteristics’ being “transferred” to you. So, say positive and pleasant things about friends and colleagues, and you are seen as a nice person. In contrast, constantly complain about their failings, and people will unconsciously apply the negative traits and incompetence to you.
Compliment other people and you’re likely to be seen positively. Complain and you’re likely to be associated with those negative traits you hate. Try to strike a balance. It's difficult, but it may work.
Effective communication isn't that hard at all. Of course, perfection comes with a bit of practice. So go ahead, try it out the next time you're in a conversation!
It's obvious Steven Merchant isn't using any of these techniques. Check out his new show, "Hello Ladies".
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